Bloody Hands
by Marduk42
Summary: Ken's hands will never be clean, but can love wash the blood on them? (yaoi, angst, suicide)


Bloody Hands  
  
***  
  
Hey, everybody! 42Adams here with a depressing Kensuke. I don't own Digimon, and don't really want to (although I'd love to see Kensuke and Taito a reality...mmm...), so please, no suing. I'll put these characters back when I'm done! Also, as mentioned above, this story contains yaoi-boy/boy relationships. Isn't that wonderful? And if you plan on flaming, please use complete sentences, a dictionary, and basic grammar (and please learn how to turn of the CAPS LOCK). Rated PG13 for angst, yaoi, suicide, and a fake-out somewhere in there. Thank you, and continue.  
  
***  
  
Ken sat by a sylvan pool in the Digiworld, staring at his reflection. Ever since recent events, he had begun to do that a lot. He didn't share the contents of his meditative sessions with even Wormmon. Suddenly, he felt a tugging on his arm.  
  
"Ken-san, if you don't head back soon, your parents will, well, you know." Ken sighed.  
  
"I'm right on it, Wormmon. We'll head back in a minute." He carefully stood up and, scooping up Wormmon, headed towards a nearby terminal. After having returned home, Ken continued to sit in front of his computer, thinking.  
  
"Ken-san? I know this is a little intrusive, but...are you thinking about Daisuke?"  
  
"N-Nani?" he gasped, whirling to face his Digimon. Wormmon cowered a little, an automatic response he had acquired during Ken's Kaizer days.  
  
"I just, you always look so sad when you see him, and you've been very quiet lately, I just thought-" Ken smiled wanly, reaching down to stroke the little Digimon's head affectionately.  
  
"I don't give you enough credit, Wormmon. You're much more observant than I thought. Hai, I was thinking about Daisuke. Between him once being my sworn enemy, being the first one to forgive me and welcome me into the group, and now the DNA Digivolving, I-well, he confuses me. Or rather, I'm confused about him. Wormmon, I don't know what to think about him. You know, at first, I thought he was a worthy opponent, and then, I was grateful for his confidence in me. But now..." He trailed off. Wormmon crawled up his human's leg, resting in the boy's lap.  
  
"Ken, I can't read your mind."  
  
"Wormmon, I just, when you and Veemon DNA Digivolved, and Daisuke and I joined like that, we were sharing minds, sharing hearts. And it made me think. Wormmon, have you ever felt that you would do anything, even die, for another person?" Immediately after speaking, Ken felt like hitting his head against the computer monitor. He glanced down to see Wormmon sniffling.  
  
"You don't even care to remember that-"  
  
"I'm sorry Wormmon, I didn't mean to bring that up. I love you, and I'm sorry about that; I just haven't been thinking at all clearly lately." Wormmon nodded, looking adoringly up at Ken.  
  
"I forgive you, Ken, and I think I know what you're trying to say. Are you saying that you-love Daisuke?" Ken smiled, and leaned back in his chair.  
  
"I don't know why I took you for granted when I was the Kaizer. You're much smarter than I ever thought you could be." The two continued to sit, simply enjoying each other's company.  
  
***  
  
"Daisuke, why are you always drawing pictures of Ken?" Daisuke glanced down at Chibimon before returning to his sketch of Ken and Wormmon sitting on a beach.  
  
"It's complicated, Chibimon. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I care for him a lot, and-"  
  
"Do you care for him like you care for Kari?" Daisuke stared at the blue Digimon, and then grinned.  
  
"I don't how you guys know these things. Hai, I do care for him the way I *used* to care for Kari." He returned to his drawing as Chibimon mulled this over.  
  
"Well, does Ken know about this?" Daisuke shook his head.  
  
"I-Chibimon, it's really not...acceptable for a guy to care for another guy like that." Chibimon appeared confused.  
  
"But, Daisuke, if you like someone that much, and you're happy, shouldn't they be happy for you?" Daisuke nodded.  
  
"Hai, the should. But they aren't. And besides, I don't even know if Ken likes me like that, and I couldn't stand it if he decided he didn't want to be friends with me because we're both guys." Chibimon nodded sadly.  
  
"Humans are so illogical; I wish I understood them." Daisuke grinned.  
  
"Some of the best philosophers of all time tried to do that, and none of them could, so don't feel stupid or anything about it."  
  
***  
  
Ken sat at his computer chair, glancing quickly back at Wormmon. The little worm was sleeping soundly. Ken smiled, but then glanced down at his hands. He knew what others saw: the hands of a 12-year-old boy genius, immaculately cleaned and cared for. But he saw curled claws, soaked through with the blood of every Digimon he whipped, or enslaved, or let die... He shook his head, trying to clear away the dangerous thoughts. He *had* changed, he was sorry for what he had done, so why was the blood still there? Like the Lady Macbeth from the play by Shakespeare, he was being driven mad with guilt. He slammed his fist against the desk, feeling like screaming his anguish out to the rest of the world. But he couldn't even force himself to let his fears and insecurities out from the mask of calm he placed over his heart. He turned in his chair to Wormmon, reaching to pet him. But he froze, staring at the bloody claws. He couldn't let anyone touch these, couldn't let the blood spread to others...  
  
***  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello, Ichijouji-san, is Ken here?" Ken's mother blinked in surprise.  
  
"Are you one of Ken's friends? He has so few, it's nice to see when they come by." Daisuke nodded, and moved towards the apartment door.  
  
"So, can I come in?"  
  
"Oh, hai..."  
  
"Daisuke." The woman nodded, and led Daisuke to a small hallway, and then to a door.  
  
"Ken's in here. It's nice to see Ken's friends." Daisuke opened the door cautiously.  
  
"Ken-kun? It's Daisuke." He heard a faint scrabbling, and then:  
  
"Go away. I don't want to talk to anyone." Daisuke felt a slight twinge in his chest at the words.  
  
"Ken-kun, we're all worried about you. You haven't talked to anyone, or even made any effort to see anyone in the group. Is there something wrong?" He carefully pushed the door open, and walked inside the dark room. He frowned at the unlit room, and his frown deepened as he saw Ken staring blankly at his computer screen. "Ken, we're all worried about you." The blue-haired boy smiled sarcastically, and turned his attention to Daisuke.  
  
"I'm sure they're worried. After all, it's every day that defenders of goodness worry about the condition of cold-blooded killers." He leaned back in the chair. "You know, you're keeping me from a very important appointment."  
  
"With whom?" Ken gave a strange, sad smile before responding.  
  
"Death." Daisuke appeared puzzled, before paling.  
  
"You can't mean-"  
  
"It's the only way to clean my hands." Ken held up two ivory hands. "They're stained in blood, Daisuke, and as it is said, 'eye for an eye.' Blood for blood, Daisuke. So leave me alone, so I can finish this." He looked directly at Daisuke, his face perplexed. "What do you think; knife, painkillers, or out the window?" Daisuke stalked over to Ken, and grabbed the boy by the shoulders.  
  
"You can't be serious, Ken-chan!" Ken made a cutting-off motion.  
  
"Maybe I am serious, Daisuke, and don't bother with that 'what about the people you're leaving behind? Think about your friends! Think about your family!' Daisuke, there's only one person who loves me just for who I am, and...that's not enough. He's a part of me, and he *has* to love me. Not that I don't appreciate it. But all the others around see me as a broken genius, a potential enemy, a son that just doesn't measure up...Tell me, Daisuke, who in the world could care for someone who made such colossal mistake as I did?"  
  
"I could." The voice was faint and nervous, and Ken was unsure he'd heard Daisuke correctly.  
  
"Dai-"  
  
"Damn it, Ken, that's why I came over here! We're all worried about you, but I thought, that maybe...I'll go now." He turned to leave, but Ken laid a restraining hand on his arm.  
  
"Please, don't." The violet eyes were lost, hopeless, and utterly empty.  
  
'He looks so cute like that...' Daisuke found himself thinking, even though he knew he should be-   
  
"Do you mean that, or are you just playing with my head?" Daisuke gave Ken a weak smile.  
  
"Ken, have you ever known me to lie about my feelings?" Ken shook his head feebly, and Daisuke pulled the blue-haired boy towards him. Suddenly, Ken had pulled away.  
  
"Please, I can't do this..." Daisuke tried to protest, but he found himself escorted from the Ichijouji household.  
  
"Ken-chan, what did I do wrong?" He took one last look at the door before turning to leave. And he let his tears begin to fall.  
  
***  
  
Hikari looked across the table at Daisuke.  
  
"Dai-kun..." she began nervously. He glanced up at her, his eyes empty and emotionless.  
  
"Yeah?" She tried to retreat from the haunted eyes, but steeled herself. She waved Takeru away, indicating this was a delicate conversation.  
  
"Dai-kun, what's wrong?" His eyes became clouded-for one instant-with pain, longing, and loss.  
  
"I gave my heart away, and the object of my affections crushed it." The tears began to leak from his eyes. Hikari placed a caring hand on Daisuke's shoulder. Daisuke stared right into her eyes. "I told Ken that-I love him, and he kicked me out of his apartment."  
  
"Nani? But I-the signs, I could have sworn..."  
  
"So could've I. But I told him that I love him, leaned in for a kiss, and found myself outside his door before I could say a word." Tears were streaming down his cheeks, and Daisuke looked remarkably close to a breakdown.  
  
"Dai-kun, please, let's talk about this." He nodded sadly, and began to tell her the events of the day his heart had broken.  
  
***  
  
Ken contemplated the items on his computer desk. He ran a finger over the flat of a kitchen knife, and then tapped a bottle of painkillers impatiently. Decisions, decisions. He had 'allowed' Wormmon to take a small break in the Digiworld, and now...  
  
"Blood for blood. My hands will finally be clean." He reached over to unscrew the bottle of pills. But then- "Daisuke..." The red-haired boy and his heartfelt confession yesterday made him stop and think. He was so vulnerable, so hopelessly in love with him-a murderer, a sinner, a boy with bloody hands. He stared down at the hands, and started when he saw them clean, immaculate, for only a moment. Could it be? Could love alone clean the sins from his soul? Or had he suffered enough already?  
  
"You know, there's two things I'd like to tell you, and then I'll leave you alone, to make your own decision, Ken-chan." Ken whirled, for once in his life truly startled by the presence of another human being.  
  
"N-nani?" Daisuke smiled sadly at Ken before responding.  
  
"I realize that if you really want to die, I can't stop you. But...I'd like you to consider some things. First, it's the central belief of Christianity. They believe, Ken, that God will forgive any sinner, if they are penitent. And it seems that you *are* repentant, Ken-chan. I can't see how anyone could hate you for what you've done, when they see how sorry you are. The second, Ken, is a quote from the Christian Bible.  
'There are in the end three things  
that last: faith, hope, and love,  
and the greatest of these is love.'  
Ken, I love you, truly, and I hope that you do, too. But even if you don't, please realize that I, and Wormmon, and even the rest of the Digidestined, care what happens to you. We do all love you, in varying degrees, and I hope you can understand what that means. Ja, Ken-chan." Ken was silent for a few moments.  
  
"Sayonara, Daisuke." Daisuke nodded sadly, and backed from the room. Ken continued staring at his planned items of suicide. It didn't matter what anyone said. His hands were smeared with the blood of those he'd wronged. He had to shed his own blood, or at least figuratively, to make amends. But still...forgiveness? How did Daisuke get so informed about world religion? Did he take the effort to find that information...just for Ken? Ken reached over, and slipped the knife into a drawer.   
  
'Can I really find forgiveness? The Digidestined have forgiven me, and I tried to kill them. Daisuke forgave me, and gods, I don't even want to think about the psychological torture I put him through! And Wormmon forgave me, and I got him killed!' Ken stared at his hands, seeing the spots of blood, hoping, and wishing he could find forgiveness in himself. Because without that, he couldn't accept the forgiveness of others. But he couldn't!  
'...and the greatest of these is love.'  
Love wasn't some magic formula! It couldn't solve everything!  
'...And the greatest of these is love.'  
How could it erase the guilt of so much abuse, so much hatred? Love only works that way in stories!  
'...And the greatest of these is love.'  
Ken placed his head in his arms, and sobbed at the futility of it all. Love, guilt, death. Love, guilt, death. He could choose one, and live, or die, with one. But love couldn't just make him all better!  
  
'You're sorry, you're ready to be forgiven, you just need one push. Love can wash your hands of the blood. Just accept it! Make your choice!' And so he did.  
  
***  
  
End.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
No, I'm not that cruel. I just think you need a break; I think the story's been a little intense. So, take a 30-second break, and then continue.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
***  
  
Daisuke was walking home with Takeru, Hikari, and Miyako, his normally rambunctious attitude dulled by a somber mask. Hikari felt her heart sink when she looked at him. She had heard what had happened, and could only guess why they hadn't heard anything yet on the news. Daisuke took the opportunity to collapse on a park bench, staring morosely into the trees.  
  
"I can't believe it; I thought I could convince him..." Hikari sat next to him, and placed an arm around his shoulder.  
  
"Daisuke, it's not your fault; he-he was dedicated, and when people get like that, you just can't stop them."  
  
"But sometimes, a moment of kindness can mend a broken soul. Sometimes, love can wash the hands of blood of the past." Ken was walking slowly towards them from the park entrance, wearing his customary gray clothing. Daisuke stood up, and half-ran to the other boy.  
  
"Ken-chan, you-"  
  
"Realized that sometimes help can come from the most unlikely source, and that sometimes, the simplest answer is the best. Ai shiteru, Dai-chan." He pulled the other boy towards him, kissing him firmly. A few moments later, they broke apart, but Daisuke laced his arms around Ken's waist.  
  
"Ai shiteru, Ken-chan. I couldn't imagine what I would have done if you had gone through with it." Ken smiled, the first real smile Daisuke had ever seen him release.  
  
"Well, arigatou, Dai-chan. I unfortunately know what I would have done without you..." He pulled the boy into an embrace, laying his head on Daisuke's shoulder. Suddenly, Daisuke pulled away a little.  
  
"Ne, Ken-chan?" Ken looked at him oddly.  
  
"What?" Daisuke gave an impish grin.  
  
"Would you like to go out with me? We could have our first date on Friday...if you're free." Ken smiled, and placed his arm around the other boy's shoulders.  
  
"Hai, I'd love to." With that, Daisuke led Ken back to the others, putting his arm around Ken's waist. "And I love you." Ken leaned to the side, kissing Daisuke's cheek.  
  
"And me you."  
  
***  
  
There we go! Done. Please review; I hate it when I don't get feedback...  



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